I’m having a hard time articulating my thoughts about today.
Suzy has been missing for 21 years.
I promised myself that I wouldn’t let it get to me this year. I told my spouse that it wouldn’t.
I functioned, mostly, by compartmentalizing. I hate it, because it leaves me a bit robotic, but it’s better than being a blubbering, angry mess. At least, I think it is.
I’m not even sure that I functioned all that well. People’s faces, so many faces, appeared like faces at a window today. That was the weirdest part.
Yesterday I buried myself in work, and then housework, in an effort to stop myself from thinking too much. At the same time, I put on NIN, then White Zombie, as tribute, and finally A Perfect Circle, while putting away several loads of clothes that had accumulated. It worked, mostly.
Today I threw myself into family, thankfully drawn together by a birthday, and that worked, too. Our children pushed my buttons, and somehow I stayed calm. Mostly.
I’m not saying that I’ve moved on into acceptance, but I think I’m a bit closer.
I’m still grieving, though. I’m still angry. Given a focus, it would explode out of me.
There is no focus, though. Just… nothing.
One day a perfectly healthy, functioning friend. A human being. The next, nothing. No goodbye, no reason, no anything. No closure.
I keep seeing these stories of people, mostly women, recovered from what amount to dungeons in modern society. Rescuing themselves, mostly. Every time, I hold my breath. Every time, nothing. Serial killers, too. Scanning a list of victims and known locations. Dehumanizing those poor souls so I can get through the list. What have I become?
There’s always the hope that she just ran away, but with each year that seems less likely. I keep thinking about writing, or utilizing existing, facial recognition software to try and track her down through our increasingly online existence. If she did just run away, eventually that would work.
I think about building drones that can scour large areas looking for missing persons or clues.
I think about resuming my martial arts training, and eventually teaching self-defense courses.
None of this results in action, though.
Just jumbled thoughts.
I think most of all, at this point, I just seek closure. I accept that I’ll probably never see her again. I accept that most hope, even hope of closure, is probably a false hope. The only closure I can ever attain is the closure I give myself.
I’m not sure that’ll work.
All the same
We take our chances,
Laughed at by Time,
Tricked by circumstances
Plus ça change,
Plus c’est la même chose
The more that things change
The more they stay the same- Neil Peart (RUSH), Circumstances